rush

How is it even possible to be this fat. 

I am going to be happy from now on. 

I hate the disappointment in my mums eyes when something comes on tv about depression or suicide or self harm. It's like I've let her down. And it completely breaks my heart. I don't know how to deal with these things anymore.  

I've gained like 10kg in the past few months. Why do I let myself get this fat. Why don't I have the will power to lose weight. I'm like 25kg over what I'm meant to be. F*ckig hell I hate this bleh :(

But it never seemed like you missed me. And I guess because of that, I stopped missing you. 

I hate when people say they wish they looked like me or they wish they had my hair or whatever. No you don't. I don't even recognise myself without make up on. No one has seen my hair curly for about 2 years because I have to straighten it all the f*cking time. No one sees me on saturday nights without make up on with curly hair lying on the bathroom floor in tears. No one sees that half of me. And I don't want them to. But I don't want to see it either. 

I hate being fat. I hate how mum and I used to be the same weight and then she got cancer and went to hospital and got really skinny. And now I'm the fat one in the family. I'm the embarrassment. And I hate it. I'm not going to make myself throw up. I'm just going to starve myself. My family friend went 5 days without eating. Maybe I can do that too. 

You want to know why I hate it? I hate it because I put more effort in than you. I put in 110% and yet you're still always better than me. It's like you don't even try. That's why I hate it. Because no matter what I do, I'm still never good enough. 

I hate how there is always something I want to change. Whether it's on my body, in a friend, education wise, family wise, anything. Nothing is ever good enough for me. And I hate how I feel the need to fix everything or change everything. I just want to be able to relax for once in my life. I don't want to worry about anything. 

I really don't think my sister would care if I killed myself. She tells me to do it all the time, and she means it.