rush

You're hurting me just as bad as he did. 

This year my sister and I have really started to know each other. We're really close and it's great. There is the occasional punch up but whatever I don't care. I'm just happy she trusts me. And I trust her too, with a lot. And yesterday when I was on the bus driving home from school camp she started texting me and she actually told me stuff that's going on in her life. And it made me so happy. I was having a bad day, and the fact that she trusted me with something like that actually made me so happy. I'm glad I know this stuff. I wouldn't of told her if the same thing had happened to me. I'm proud of her. 

Bad things about last year:
- Started cutting
- Diagnosed with depression
- Put my whole life in another person hands
- That person became a huge d*ckead
- Tried to kill myself
- Was in a really bad mindframe
- Hurt a lot of people
- Lied to my parents about a lot
- Failed subjects
- Almost lost my cousins
- Lost my aunty

Good things about last year:
- Didn't let depression take over my life
- Got back on my feet again
- Realised I had things to live for
- Elsie talked to me on here and we became friends


Bad things about this year
- Mum got cancer
- Aunty got cancer
- Other aunty and uncle haven't been checked for cancer because they're scared
- Failing maths
- Past got brought up and got called into the principals office
- Friend moved today, can't f*cking handle it
- Gained weight
- Don't have people to talk to
- Scared my grandparents are going to die

Good things about this year:
- Met Elsie
- Finally stood up to Joel

I suck at handling things. And I need to find a better way to deal with that. Today was a bad day. And it's times like this when I want to give everything up again. I just try to forget things instead of dealing with them. That's something I need to work on. 

Tbh today was the sh*ttest day

My friend is getting put onto dialysis soon. I don't knowl what to do. I can't help her. 

I've never really felt good enough for anything or anyone. Which is why I haven't really ever been in a relationship, and I also give up easily. But with him it's more than that. It's like I can't even talk to him anymore because I'm not enough. I can't live up to anyones expectations, especially not his. It f*cking kills me. 

I'm holding onto to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't. 

And I really need Joel right now. It kills me knowing that he doesn't care anymore. I thought I was over it, I thought I didn't miss him anymore, but I do. And I hate crying all the time. I hate being weak. I hate having his name engraved on my wrist, because it used to symbolise him being near me no matter what, and now it's just like he still controls me even though we don't speak. I'm not close to anyone anymore and I hate it. I hate it that no one cares. 

That's just how it is with my sister and I though. I give her everything, she starts a fight, and I'm the one who ends up bleeding with broken fingers on my bedroom floor. And it's always going to be that way. Because I am weak and she is the intelligent daughter who gets everything she wants. And I'm still the one who they're ashamed of. 

I miss the old you.