rush

Last time my mum was in hospital I enjoyed having space. I enjoyed being away from her. This time it's different. I want her back home, with me, taking care of each other. 

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What do you do when you're  the cause of your mums depression?

I'm so much better at hiding the scent of cigerette smoke than my parents ever were. 

I'm so tired of trying to be involved in my cousins life. I try so hard. My sister doesn't even care. She doesn't fight for them like I do. And yet they still love her more. They still want to involve her in everything and they only want her in their lives. It f*cking kills me because if I don't have them I don't have anyone. 

Why does cancer or diabetes or anything horrible like that even exist? It not only it causes the person who has it pain, but it affects everyone around them as well. And yet people still expect us to look at life like this amazing opportunity. And some people do look at it that way. But I can't. I can't just be happy whilst knowing other people are hurting so f*cking badly. I can't do that. 

It's Lukes birthday. And I thought my aunty might be decent and let me see him. I was wrong. Just a phone call between my family and him which I didn't even get to speak to him on. F*cking hate this. 

Got grounded for two weeks because I didn't go to school today. Maybe if my mum had the decency to ask me why I didn't want to get out of bed this morning things would be different. 

My sister and I made a deal last year that we'd both be in a relationship by my birthday this year. My birthday is in 41 days. My sister is in a relationship, and I am not. I don't know why I expected to be anyway. 

Everything was okay-ish. I felt good about telling him off. Until I realised he had the option to potentionally ruin my life. He could tell everyone everything. F*ck.