i almost don't want to write this but i remind myself
this isn't for you. this is for my own release.
time and time again i gave second chances. a part of me has completely turned away from you now.
you won't get anything more than surface level from me anymore.
i hadn't seen this side of you for a while so i forgot how awful you could be.
no compassion or empathy. just relentless nagging and no care to my feelings at all.
you didn't care to think that i had been overworked.
you didn't care to think that i was holding back so i didn't burst into tears there and then.
you never say sorry cause you never think you're wrong.
but you were wrong. the way you acted wasn't okay.
everyone else felt the tense air and told me it wasn't right.
i hate when you act like that and expect me to treat you like normal after. that's not fair.
it's not fair for you to have unrealistic expectations and drain me, scold me, bother me for not reaching them.
i'm so over that attitude that you show when you feel like enough hasn't been done.
i'm mostly hurt that i was working so many days, and each day still worked overtime to get things done.
meanwhile you were off and didn't think at all about the hell i'd gone through when i was alone.
you didn't think of the fact that i was physically and mentally drained.
you were just focussing on what else needed to be done.
just nitpicking and repeating the same points over and over. no response i gave satisfied you.
i knew you just wanted me to agree, that i was in the wrong, that you weren't asking for much.
no. you were expecting to come back to everything being perfect.
you were expecting a 4 man job out of 3 people.
you knew the only way that would happen was if i were to bend myself backwards even more, stay back at work even more and bleed myself dry even more.
i deserve an apology. not that look on your face.
time and time again i gave second chances. a part of me has completely turned away from you now.
you won't get anything more than surface level from me anymore.
i hadn't seen this side of you for a while so i forgot how awful you could be.
no compassion or empathy. just relentless nagging and no care to my feelings at all.
you didn't care to think that i had been overworked.
you didn't care to think that i was holding back so i didn't burst into tears there and then.
you never say sorry cause you never think you're wrong.
but you were wrong. the way you acted wasn't okay.
everyone else felt the tense air and told me it wasn't right.
i hate when you act like that and expect me to treat you like normal after. that's not fair.
it's not fair for you to have unrealistic expectations and drain me, scold me, bother me for not reaching them.
i'm so over that attitude that you show when you feel like enough hasn't been done.
i'm mostly hurt that i was working so many days, and each day still worked overtime to get things done.
meanwhile you were off and didn't think at all about the hell i'd gone through when i was alone.
you didn't think of the fact that i was physically and mentally drained.
you were just focussing on what else needed to be done.
just nitpicking and repeating the same points over and over. no response i gave satisfied you.
i knew you just wanted me to agree, that i was in the wrong, that you weren't asking for much.
no. you were expecting to come back to everything being perfect.
you were expecting a 4 man job out of 3 people.
you knew the only way that would happen was if i were to bend myself backwards even more, stay back at work even more and bleed myself dry even more.
i deserve an apology. not that look on your face.
late
night
thoughts.
i don't think i've ever truly loved him
i can't shake this thought that he is just using me
when he doesn't text me i get anxious and i hate that
a day never goes by without him reaching out to me.
i think i have attachment issues for real
i test him in a way by keeping score
he's always the first to reach out, that makes the anxiety disappear
in person he's always kind and sweet
i miss him when we're apart and i feel him get jealous when i'm paying other guys attention
something is going on but i keep pretending it's not
i keep telling myself i can't love someone if i can't accept all of them
i don't think i've ever truly loved him
i can't shake this thought that he is just using me
when he doesn't text me i get anxious and i hate that
a day never goes by without him reaching out to me.
i think i have attachment issues for real
i test him in a way by keeping score
he's always the first to reach out, that makes the anxiety disappear
in person he's always kind and sweet
i miss him when we're apart and i feel him get jealous when i'm paying other guys attention
something is going on but i keep pretending it's not
i keep telling myself i can't love someone if i can't accept all of them
i'm just so conflicted. cause i know life is good. but this depression. this sad sulky feeling always comes back to me. i tell myself it's like happiness. happiness will always come back. in the same way, this sad unsettling feeling will also come back. but it is never forever.
it still feels awful. i feel like i have to always distract myself so i don't feel it. it's this feeling of dread. i thought i would be happier by now and i am but here i am still.
“His nakedness makes me conscious of my nakedness. He’s too
close even though he’s not. When his eyes linger on my bare
shoulder, I feel as if the water has suddenly gone cold. I don’t
want to feel this, but I do. I’m conscious of my eyes settling at
various parts of his body. I want to look away, look at his eyes or
something, but I can’t. It roves on his body like I’m roadside
lover. “
It feels like a homecoming to visit witty, member since 2014. its
been a decade and witty knows every bit of me.
