xoYoureNotAlonexo

I    HATE
LIFE

FINALLY, IM SHARING MY SECRET 

As promised, I'm sharing with all you lovely Witty girls my very own secret. Like I said, I've kept it from my friends for over a year. I want to tell them, but I'm really scared. So I'm telling you girls, anonymously, to get it off my chest, and most importantly, to get help. Before I begin, let me say that I love you for reading this.... okay... buckle up...
 

Last year was the worst year of my life. And my friends knew it was bad because I had absolutely no classes with any of them, not even lunch, and I never saw them throughout the day. But that's not even the half of it. I've always been sort of shy, so being completely alone all day shattered my confidence. I somehow immediately built up a wall that kept everyone else out, and all my thoughts in. And those thoughts became dangerous. At lunch, I sat with a girl who I had become friendly with and all of her friends. Every single day they would just ignore me and talk with themselves. I tried to talk to them, but they just pretended I wasn't there. It was that small thing that started it all- I began to hate myself. I was so confused.. why was everyone so happy and I had to be so sad... I wondered why everybody all of the sudden turned their backs on me. I figured it was a problem with me- I started seeing a fat girl in the mirror. I was very skinny- I always have been. But I didn't see it. I gradually stopped eating. For a number of reasons- 1. I thought I was fat. 2. Most of the time I was too upset to eat. 3. I wanted to see if anybody would notice. Notice something was wrong with me. Notice that I never ate at lunch. Nobody ever did. I went on Facebook and all I saw was pictures of my old best friends with tons of pictures of their countless new friends. I used to be an honor student, but my grades completely dropped. Instead of noticing that I was sinking into depression, all my mom would do was yell at me because of my grades. I started cutting. I felt even more ashamed of myself... I didn't know who I was becoming. Everything was spiraling out of control and I felt so lost. I started to enjoy the feeling of hunger- it was the only thing that satisfied me. The hunger made me feel in control, the one thing I needed. I was always too much of a wimp to kill myself.  But I felt like if, for any reason, I happened to die, I wouldn't care. A few weeks ago was the one-year "anniversary" of my "breaking point." That was the point when I could barely keep myself from fainting during dance class, when I woke up dreading school, when I only weighed 65 pounds. That's right, 65 pounds. But I still thought I was fat. One day, before school, I burst into tears and couldn't stop. Instead of sending me off too school, my mom sent me off to a therapist. I had kept everything inside for so long, that my entire story came pouring out to the therapist. And then, she told me what was wrong with me, that one deadly word, "Anorexia." 

After that I recovered, slowly. I reconnected with my friends over the summer. I lost many of them, but I still have a few. They saved my life. And I want them to know that. I want them to know what happened to me. But I'm so scared.

Last night, I was at my friend's house. She told me she found out her boyfriend cuts himself, and she's so scared for him. I wanted to tell her right then, tell her everything. But I choked. I couldn't do it. I want  her to know so badly, but it will completely change how she sees me. I don't know what to do.

If you read all of that, I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH.
 

    ♥_♥^♥♥