bluehoodiesbabe

you're making my heart beat red with blood once again. you warmed the layer of ice off it. i can feel it again.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

i wish i could tell people how sad i really am inside
how much i miss him
i really wish people valued me a little higher
and had more faith in me
instead of saying "oh sweetheart yeah right like you aren't going to hook up with guys before you become friends with them... come on you're you"
i wish people didn't say "oh i'm so sorry" when i told them about when i tried to drown myself in a hot tub on saturday
i wish someone understood what i am going through
i wish someone understood me
why do people always disappoint me
i don't even know

God, I miss you so much.

READ IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, PLEASE!? Constructive critism would be lovely too.

While the clock chimed midnight, a girl with skin as white as snow stood before an enormous mansion that she had visited many times prior to this night. But, this night was different from all the ones before it, and you couldfeel it in the thick Florida air. Elena could sense the variance from a dash of makeup—her usual assemble—from the near pound of product her face now held for this occasion of occasions. Not only did the substance on her facial features differ from the norm, but also her clothing had transformed, from loose, ripped jean shorts and a long sleeve shirt to hide her bruises, she metamorphosed into a long white dress whose hue was just a ting darker than her own skin tone. Underneath all that makeup and that pretty dress, Elena nursed a growing heavy heart because she knew what she had to do to protect the absolute love of her life. She bawled her tiny hands into fists, digging her sharp nails into her delicate skin just at the thought of causing another bruise on her body—this one on her heart. Elena tried to press down the ivory door handle, to open her to all the life thriving inside the house, but her thoughts impaired her. She couldn’t open up that door and walk into the soothing sound of the orchestra, then close her eyes to savor the sound. She couldn’t walk through that threshold, and drift through the swarms of people with a shining smile on her face. She couldn’t be surrounded by all that life, when her disease slowly took away her light; her life. She couldn’t… have the first dance with Jared, and have her white dress spin and twirl around her lean figure with every dip and dive of the dance. She couldn’t feign that everything is alright; that his heart won’t be broken beyond repair in two years’ time when her heart gives way to its final beat in the stark white hospital room. Meanwhile, a tear had formed in her brown orbs while a drop of blood pooled in her dainty hand, spilling onto the handle—forever tainting it. Thankfully, the brunette did not have to open the gate to life, because someone else did it for her.

The oak wood door left its embrace with its square frame to make way for her god of her boyfriend. With that motion, the distinct odor of champagne and the scent of Jared’s signature cologne— One Million— wafted to the outdoors and around Elena.

“Baby…” he greeted the girl by immediately taking her palm into his and caressing it with his thumb. Elena wanted to flinch away from the contact, but she couldn’t bring herself to tear her hand away, not when it brought her such a thrilling electric feel. “Why don’t you come inside? I don’t mind either way, but I really want to tell you something,” the teenage girl looked down at the stone ground as her long, black eyelashes kissed the tops of her ruddy cheeks. I have something to tell you too… she wanted to say. I never told you, but I have had leukemia for a while now… And it’s gradually getting worse and worse, the abnormal white blood cells keep building up… A-and I only have two years to live now because of it. I’m so… scared, Jared.  Then, he would hug her and tell her everything would be alright—because he would be there until the end. But, she would not let those words climb out of her trembling lips.

“Jared… I…” a bead of sweet formed on the back of her neck, covered by her long brown hair currently spun into tight tendrils that cascaded down her back. 

“It’s okay,” he murmured before giving her pink cheeks a light peck. “Um,” he let out a nervous chuckle, then glanced at the ground. The light from above sparkled the golden highlights in his otherwise brown hair. “I’ve wanted to tell you this forever, but I need to tell you now. Can I tell you this wonderful, or maybe terrible thing? It can’t wait. My family aren’t just the owners of the Carstairs hotels… We are also royalty, and me?” another uneasy laugh ensued from his large, kissable pink lips. “I’m the heir to the—“ a thickness coated her throat the moment she cut him off.

At that instance, Elena tore her hand away from his, her skin skimming against his for maybe the last time. These movements left very confused look on Jared’s face and a blank stare in his sea green eyes. “Don’t even bother to finish, I don’t want anything to do with you and your throne, especially you,” each word spewed with a poignant poison, and the knife her words delivered cut so deep, in both Elena and Jared. She forced each and every lie out of her mouth, each packing a punch full of sheer agony. The girl could feel her flawless glass castle shattering before her into a thousand pieces, leaving her world in jagged pieces—both broken and dangerous.

 “I could never love a royal as*hole like you,” she choked out each word with a quivering lip. She just managed to whisper those few heart wrenching words before spinning herself around and running away in the dark depths of the night, her long white dress flying behind her like a ghost in the night. If the girl had only paused for a second, she might have had a glimpse at the boy’s face—it looked completely and utterly numb; his eyes drained and sucked so dry of all the joy and light. Maybe it would remind her of her own face when her own parents told her Elena only had two years to live. Maybe, Elena, herself, had caused a bigger bruise on him than her disease ever could.

She didn’t want her disease to form a bruise, an unhealable one, on Jared’s very much alive heart when she would pass. No, she would only let leukemia bruise her own heart, and her own body beyond repair. 

I think it's really bad how much I hate my life at this point.

I'm really stupid when it comes to guys, I know. I was stupid for believing you that, "you would feel the same way in the morning," or that, "you waited all night to kiss me." I was stupid for believing all that was true, because twenty minutes later after I sucked you off, you wanted to go back to everyone, and you barely even waited for me to catch up. Then, you didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, really. It's really disheartening it happened, and I wouldn't have cared if it was just a hook-up, but we connected, and you lied about it... That's what really hurts the most. I know I shouldn't care, since I've only known you for a day, but I cannot help but care.

Now, the question is, why do guys start to treat us terribly after we sleep with them? What drives them to do this? Most people believe that it is the fact that they got what they wanted. Somehow, I really don't think this is the case. I think there is another reason, but I'm not quite sure what it is yet. I'll figure it out one day. 

Oh, oh, but how am I suppose to keep my head above water
when you're holding me down
and oh, oh you say to keep swimming
but you tied my legs together to make one
Oh, oh, you tell me to breathe
Take a deep breath
but you cover my red lips
oh, oh, what am I suppose to do
oh, oh, tell me please
tell me before
i can't breathe anymore
tell me before
you suffocate me
i guess
you taking my breath away
ain't so beautiful anymore