Quotes added on Wednesday, September 2 2015

1. I have a tradition of using purple toothbrushes.
2. I drink my coffee black. The worse my mood, the more bitter it'll be. A sugar cube means a good day.
3. I will walk around the house with your hoodie, a blanket, and a quilt, and you will deal with it.
4. No situation is too awkward to crack bad sexual jokes. Never bring a partner home. I will humiliate the both of you; it's how I show affection.
5. If you catch me cackling at cartoons at four in the morning, don't bring it up at breakfast. Odds are I'm too tired and grumpy for your shxt, and I will glare at you until one of us has to leave.
6. Speaking of which, just because I'm looking at you and not smiling doesn't mean I'm glaring. I just have sharp eyes. I'm not glaring at you. I'm not glaring at you.
7. I will come and flop on your bed and moan until you pay attention to me.
8. I will leave dinosaur and space nerd stuff all over the place and get genuinely furious when you try to touch it.
9. I will pretend I can cook. You will have to do damage control. And lie and tell me I did a good job. 
10. I'm pain-in-the-axs obnoxious about 'my seat' at the kitchen table.
11. Yes, I need twenty bottles in the shower. No, I won't use one at the time. Variety is the spice of life, okay.
12. I'll make a big deal of the little puff of steam the kettle makes after you pour a hot drink, and tell you to shut up if you teasingly point it out.
13. Sometimes I start crying late at night and will stubbornly refuse to tell you why in the morning.
14. I snack on biscuits at 2am. Hide your stash.
15. Listening to dark secrets, giving advice, and comforting people as they cry is one of my secret talents.
16. It will take me a long time to tell you I don't know where the bus station is. A lot of patience is required with peopele this stubborn.
17. I will eat the leftovers. Always. 
18. I love comfortable silences and hanging upside down off the sofa. Best served together.
19. I'm an insecure little shxt and will probably ask you monthly 'do you want to move out? You hate living with me, it's okay, I know.'
20. I have to sing Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde to psyche myself up before I rip off a wax strip. Don't laugh at me or I'll end you.

1. I'll do my laundry eventually but for now it's fine on the desk chair.
2. Breakfast isn't so much a meal as it is a motivation for me to drag my sorry axss out of bed.
3. Poptarts are a meal f/ck you.
4. A bowl of spinach is a meal too leave me alone.
5. I can't cook for sh/t.
6. I lose my glasses about every ten minutes and I throw a fit every time.
7. WHERE ARE MY GLASSES WHAT THE F/CK DID I DO WITH MY GLASSES I CAN'T SEE.
8. I haven't made my bed since elementary school and I never will again.
9. I go through like two cartons of orange juice a week. It's because I'm from Florida. 
10. If the neighbors have a dog I'm going to build my schedule around the most opportune times to see the dog.
11. Washing dishes is my favorite chore and I'm weird about it.
12. When I'm barefoot I always walk on my tiptoes and I don't know why.
13. I can be an early bird and night owl but f/ck the midafternoon.
14. Yeah I'm drinking coffee at 10 pm what's your point???
15. Yes my hair is a disaster it's always like this I don't know what you want me to do about it.
16. I can't sing but that's not gonna stop me.
17. I keep my phone in my bra. I keep my money in bra. Everything is in my bra.
18. I'm probably gonna get lost within the apartment complex and call you to my rescue at some point.
19. I'm gonna accumulate empty water bottles in my room and then one day you'll just see me carry like twenty all at once out to the trash.
20. I have a terrible habit of sitting/lying on counters and tabletops and it's almost ritualistic.