you didn't even really do anything bad.
it's mainly the stuff you didn't do.
i was measuring you against a version of youself i had heard you
describe to me.
you can give your all to others, so i wanted a slice of that
too.
i went above and beyond, but i feel like i'm just enabling
you at this point.
it wasn't reciprocated to the extent that i would have
liked.
i have needs and i can't be your biggest cheerleader if you
aren't mine.
there were times when you didn't listen to me when i raised a
boundary. i really didn't like that. so i'm going to sort these feelings out.
i used to be the friend
that takes on average 72 hours to respond to a text. but
now you've turned me into a different type of beast.
i'm anxiously attached to my phone until the release hits
and i get a text from you. the anxiety seeps out and transforms
into a bubbly light feeling in my head. i don't like
that my mood still dips down with the affect or inflection of
others. i'm not happy that i will have to feel this little
discomfort till the day i die. i'm not happy that he's
so different from what i know is good for me. i hate that most
days i get through by a combination of visual, auditory
and physical distractions. i hate how numbed out and
callous i can be when i'm hurt. i hate that sometimes
writing things down is the only way i can recognise how i am
doing. this whole time i was trying to keep him afloat but it
killed a piece of me. my toxic positivity leaves me starved of
attention and so infuriatingly meek. i've fallen for a
friend that i see no future with. till this day seeing my
mother laugh with my sister makes me happy and stings me just
as bad. when i can't get a word in it brings me back to the
worst feeling of all. so many disconnected feelings exist
within me and i wish i could have it all sorted out once and
for all.
maybe you're my first true love or first ever heart
break.
i don't know how you'd feel about any of that
i never know who you're texting back. i just know you can always come
back to me.
tonight i don't know if you're out drinking with
friends.
you said it'd be the last time, but i'm not sure.
i just know you can always come back to me.
all i know for certain is that you can trust me.
maybe you're the biggest mistake or the greatest gift of my
life.
i'm not sure how to feel about any of this.
i just like speaking to you and having you around.
i hope this feeling doesn't expire for you before reaching
me.
truth be
told,
i liked having your attention. truth be told,
i liked how you would always be
the one to start conversation. BUT
I'LL BEGOODNOW, I'LL TRY TO
MEET YOU HALF WAY. i
won't play games anymore. ifwhen i miss
you,i'll reach out.