out
of
everything
you did what might have hurt the most is
how you repeatedly brought up past incidences and mistakes that
I was ashamed of and just wanted to forget. Not even during an
argument, either; you would bring these things up in the middle
of a normal conversation and thought it was so amusing that it
ever happened, while I stopped mid-sentence, my cheeks burning,
my stomach churning. You knew how insecure I was and how much I
valued your perspective of me and to have you often and
casually remind me of occasions I'd humiliated myself in
front of or for you was like a slap in the face or a punch in
the gut. It let me know that how you actually saw me wasn't
very different from how I saw myself. And, for some reason, I
would have done anything to change that, but no matter how I
tried to redeem myself, events long over and done with would
still be reexamined when you wanted something to laugh about. I
never laughed with you (how could I when my throat closed up
like a fist was wrapped around it and my mind was a flashing
red panic system of threatened security?) and you always
noticed but it was never enough to make you stop. It was all
you needed to continue. And for giving you that leverage I
blamed myself as much as I blamed you for being a toxic dump
when you could have been a field of
daisies.
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